Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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