ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
