So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
