broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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