Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
