Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
