it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
