I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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