He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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