I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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