Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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