I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
