I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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