do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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