I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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