Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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