Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
