our cab driver is having phone sex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
