you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
