The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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