he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
