I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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