Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
