I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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