You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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