I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Randomize
