His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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