Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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