med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
