yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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