I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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