no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
