What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
