i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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