Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
