I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
