I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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