I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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