i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
