dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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