You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
