I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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