Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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