I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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