I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
