my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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