Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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