The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's just like the Real World with babies
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
