So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
