this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
