omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
