I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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