my mouth tastes like poor choices
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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