is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
