evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
