I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
