i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
