Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
